Less Anxious
While many people are experiencing heightened anxiety, I am
experiencing less. For the foreseeable future, I no longer have to endure many
of the situations that used to cause me stress: Turning left on busy roads;
driving at night; driving in the rain; going to Wal-Mart; crowds; making
sure my son gets to his rehearsals and lessons on time; making sure I remember
to pick up my son from those places; wondering when my husband will get home
from work; being jealous that he spends more time with “work-wife” than he does
with me; being alone too much, wondering what I’m supposed to be doing with my
life; Huzzah! I don’t have to look for a job!
All of my general anxiety feelings--and the occasional terror-sweats, panting
and heart palpitations--have vanished. I honestly don’t remember a time when
I’ve been more relaxed. My husband’s quarantine hasn’t been *fun*, but aside
from worrying about microbes and the banana supply, I have it pretty easy these
days.
Now that I have less to think about, I feel like I’m able to think more
clearly. I don’t walk into a room and forget why. In ten days, I haven’t
misplaced my keys or sunglasses once. This is a triumph. I no longer feel like
I’m getting dementia.
An unfamiliar calmness has overtaken me, and other people too. In this time of
social distance, I feel more connected to many people. Everyone I talk to or
text has a gentler demeanor--there’s a lot of well-wishing and sincerity. When
people ask, “How are you?” they genuinely want to know. They take time to
listen. People check in. Were we all so checked out before? All that
rushing—it’s done for now. The air is a slow leak from a tire as we come down
from our fever-pitch, caffeine-driven craziness. It’s weird, but it’s nice. Some
people feel like this new world is a shock, but I worry about my return to the
old one.
.
It does seem as tho people have slowed down and are more tuned in to their fellow man. One can only hope it continues when the stay-at-home lifts, but I suspect it will fall victim to the incredible drive the world will feel to get back to work/gym/school/etc and we'll all be crazy again before too long.
ReplyDeleteSounds like you were terribly stressed pre-plague. I never realized that until this post. There's an IGer I follow who suffers from bad anxiety and her posts are a lesson in not assuming people are as mentally ok as they may look from the outside. I hope you can preserve some of this peace when this is behind us.
Oh man, TT, I'm experiencing the exact opposite with anxiety. All the years of therapy and DBT and EMDR and whatever else to convince myself I didn't *need* to hoard food, the grocery store was always there, I had money, I had healthcare, it was ok! I don't have to worry about my weakened immune system, I'm fine!
ReplyDeleteNow I can't find flour anywhere and I am rapidly developing new allergies as my sister calls me to ask me to watch unemployment and see if I can possibly self quarantine because I'm at risk but my work is still open so I have to be there! And all I can think is, "everyone who told me to relax was wrong! My mom must be so smug with her gator-aid bottles full of dehydrated carrots in her stupid shack with no water. My dad must have already resorted to setting out snares for squirrels."
hang in there. enjoy your peace.