Worries


I’m still having a problem with time, as if I’m perpetually going through a Daylight Savings adjustment, except I’m springing forward whole days instead of one hour. I feel like Rip Van Winkle: I worry that by the time the all-clear is sounded, I will be sporting a long white beard of un-tweezed chin hair and I won’t know what the hell happened.
It’s sunny and windy and the breeze smells like lilacs, and I can almost be happy--if I can stop thinking about the future, and the people dying, and 45’s unhinged-ness. For many days, I’ve been able to keep a lot of it at bay. I stay upbeat, I think small. If I get to have a latte, I count the day as a success. But lately I fear I’m faltering. I find myself thinking, “I’ve got a bad feeling about this.” I worry that more people are going to get very sick. I worry that unemployment is going to be a difficult problem to fix, along with hunger, homelessness and poverty. Those problems were not solvable before, under better circumstances. How’s it going to go now? I worry that people will disconnect from each other even more, and view each other as threats. I worry that we will forget how to smile at each other from behind our masks. I worry about the election in November.
And I worry about the sun, as I have for a few years now. When I was a child, I could be outside, all day, in SPF 8, and not even tan. Now, 15 minutes in the yard without SPF 30, and I pay for it across my nose. The light seems glaringly bright. My husband thinks I’m nuts. I squint at the sky and worry.
And then, I stuff it all to the back of the closet and try not to think about it. I can ostrich with the best of them. Fingers in the ears, la la la, I’m not listening. I go back to playing video games, and baking, and coloring, and marching, and I try, again, to hope for the best.

Comments

  1. LeslieMay 13, 2020 at 6:47 AM

    I guess this is a platitude, but it's a true one and it helps me.
    Worry does not fix tomorrow, it only ruins today.
    Your today is important not only to you but to those who live with you and those who care about you. Try not to ruin it with worry about things that you truly cannot change. There will be plenty of time later to concern ourselves with it and maybe find ways to help that will make us feel better. Take care.

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